28 March 2015
Americans for Traditional Torments Condemns Use of Smashing Machines

The Houston-based advocacy group Americans for Traditional Torments has issued a statement condemning the rising use of smashing machines.

5 Feb 2015
Sources: "We All Die Alone"

Inside sources have confirmed this week that we all die alone.

16 May 2014
All References to Canada Vanish from Known Textbooks

All references to Canada in known textbooks have disappeared and been replaced by lengthy segments in "Proto-Indo-European"

19 March 2015
AN6 Dread Fortress Evacuated After Contamination Outbreak

Approved News 6 was forced to evacuate its dread fortress headquarters after an outbreak of Contamination.

1 Jul 2014
Approved News 5 Breaches Containment

Contaminated, forsaken news source breaches containment without warning, spreads Contamination, heresy

1 April 2015
April Fools’ Day Roundup

Approved News 6’s assembled April Fools’ coverage for 2015.

23 June 2017
GUEST EDITORIAL: All Right, Calm Down, Both of You

That is quite enough of that, young ladies!

15 Feb 2015
Charles J. Bloodhorn Posts YouTube Video [TRANSCRIPT]

Notorious, recently-resurrected philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn has posted a video detailing his plans for CJBI.

24 Dec 2014
Christmas Preparations Begin Nationwide

Christmas Day is only a day away and all across America, people are getting ready for the big event.

27 May 2017
DEA Reschedules Happiness

The Drug Enforcement agency has chosen to place happiness on the most restrictive schedule of the Controlled Substances Act.

10 April 2015
Dept. of Education Releases "Future of Education" Proposal

The Department of Education has released its long-awaited "Future of Education" proposal.

25 March 2015
Federal Department of Pain Funded At Last Minute

A complete shutdown of the DOP was narrowly avoided by a last-minute emergency funding measure passed late last night.

3 August 2015
Écriture Oblige: On Journalistic Obligation

EDITORIAL: Newslord 7 addresses journalistic responsibility in the modern millieu.

25 Dec 2014

The following document is reprinted as-is from the official press release sent to our offices by the Obama administration.

7 Jan 2015
Epsilon Initiative Announces Project Omicron

The long-awaited Project Omicron will begin "imminently," say sources.

1 March 2015
February Book Reviews

Reviews of some of the hottest titles published this February.

17 October 2015
Florida Man Founds New Political Party

Dissatisfied with the existing political parties, a man from Miami has decided to found a radically different sort of party.

19 May 2015
Florida Man Wins Coveted “Most Radioactive” Award

A Miami resident has won one of the most coveted awards of 2015.

5 November 2016
A History of Democracy

As a truly historic election approaches on 8 November, we look back at the long and complex history of the institution that we so cherish today.

27 April 2015
Hundreds of Cackling Salesmen Descend on Ft. Lauderdale

Hundreds of salesmen, all of them laughing as though at some unseen joke, have swarmed the Florida city of Ft. Lauderdale.

1 Jan 2017
Intercepted Transmission [TRANSCRIPT]

The significance of these transmissions remain unknown.

8 Feb 2015
Experts: It Is Definitely Blood

Experts have concurred after extensive analysis that it is definitely blood.

6 Feb 2015
Analysts: It Is Right Behind You

All experts agree that it is most likely right behind you this very moment.

3 April 2015
March Wine Review, 2015

Approved News 6’s own wine correspondent reviews the most significant wines of year so far.

4 June 2016
Microsoft's Vancouver Bombing Apology

This rush transcript was taken by Approved News 6 reporters at Microsoft spokesman Harold P. Mandrake’s conference earlier this evening.

6 Dec 2014
Newslords Announce “Fundraising Tour”

The shadowy council that controls Approved News 6 has announced its intent to launch a “fundraising tour”

14 April 2015
Bone Sorceress Supreme Xylinda Overblight Endorses Ian Sandoval

The first major political endorsement has come in for the candidate representing the Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword in the special election for Governor of Oregon.

15 May 2014
Pain Cult Membership At All-Time Low

Fewer college students are participating in pain cults, evisceration rituals, report Ivy League universities

28 Sep 2014
PTSD Cases Linked to Film "BodyCount: The Butcher of Kiev"

Seven cases of post-traumatic stress disorder have been linked to the recently-released film BodyCount: The Butcher of Kiev"

02 July 2017
Question Corner I

Approved News 6's contributors answer reader questions in the first installment of our new series, Question Corner.

18 July 2017
Question Corner II

Approved News 6's contributors answer reader questions in the second installment of our ongoing series, Question Corner.

6 April 2015
Scientists Discover Worst Insect

Field research entomologists from MIT report they have discovered "the worst insect"

27 Jun 2014
Scream Council Announces 2014 Terror Award Winners

The Scream Council has announced the winners of the 2014 Terror Awards, with the Dread Cubes and the Pain Citadels again tying for first place.

28 Feb 2015
BREAKING: Severe Contamination Outbreak in Your Hometown

The Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals has confirmed that the worst contamination outbreak in months has occurred in your very own hometown.

23 Jan 2015
Supreme Court Overturns Doe v. O'Hara

The Supreme Court has overturned a controversial 1986 case on astral property law.

30 October 2015
The Changing Face of Capital Punishment

Now that lethal injection is no longer an option, many states are turning to more creative ways of executing death-row inmates.

14 Dec 2014
SOURCES CONFIRM: They Have Betrayed Us

Multiple sources have provided evidence that we have been betrayed.

23 October 2016
Clinton, Trump Face Off in Third Debate of 2016

The third and final presidential debate of 2016 takes place in an unexpected venue.

19 July 2014
God-Empress Vasilyeva Marries Fiancée

God-Empress Vasilyeva of Russia marries her long-term girlfriend in a ceremony described as "beautiful"

22 June 2017
OPINION: We Meet At Last

It's about time, don't you think?

16 Sep 2016
Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods Holds Press Conference

The Wise Witch of the Whispering Woods and the Great Council of Bone Soreceresses gathered to hold a joint press conference.

24 April 2017
OPINION: FBI! You're Under Arrest

You're not getting away this time.