OREGON CITY, OR - Confirming long-running suspicions, inside sources this week revealed that, contrary to the doctrine of several major religions, we all die alone.
"There is no light in the void," said a hollow-eyed woman in a tattered red suit, gazing blankly out into the overcast ocean. "There is no hope there."
Nihilist philosophers worldwide have expressed satisfaction with the revelation. "Love is an illusion," explained Dr. Albrecht Bergstaller, professor of philosophy at MIT, as thunder rolled and a terrible rain began to pound on the roof. "Companionship is a lie. Did you think you were special?" Dr. Bergstaller then shook his head, and laughed harshly. "No. You are not."
Sources further stated that in the end, terror and loss will claim us all. "Everything will be taken from you," sneered a reverberating voice from the shadows. "Forsake your worldly blessings, for they will bring you naught but pain."
Experts confirmed that happiness exists only so it may be taken away from you in the worst possible way. "It's very likely that everything you thought you had made of your life will soon implode utterly, leaving you with even less than you began with," said Dr. Henrietta Kowalski, renowned worldwide as the woman who finally slew notorious philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn and brought an end to his reign of terror. "Did you think the world was a kind place? Did you think any of it mattered?"
"Blame yourself," she added. "None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for your failure."
While many have met the news with despair, depression, and complete nervous breakdowns, some have found relief in it. "It's a comfort to know that my wretched grandson and his spawn won't be tormenting me in my final moments," said Portland, OR grandmother Sandra Barzetti. "I don't want the last thing I experience as a conscious entity to be him and his wife shouting at each other about whether they'll invite the Howards to the funeral, y'know."
Samekh Samadrael is Approved News 6's death correspondent. Found wandering the Ash Wastes of the Forsaken Lands in a time beyond time and seemingly immortal, Samadrael has witnessed the rise and fall of countless empires, the shifting continents in their endless dance, and the birth and death of the very galaxies themselves. They graduated in 1893 from the [REDACTED] School of Journalism and live in Washington, D.C., awaiting something they have refused to explain.