All References to Canada Vanish from Known Textbooks
Sarah Bianchi, 16 May 2014

AP - In the wake of the Canada's surprise cancellation, all references to Canada in textbooks currently in use by the world's educational systems have been replaced by pages upon pages of jagged glyphs and unsettling illustrations.

Linguists at the University of Oregon analyzing the text claim preliminary analysis demonstrates certain similarities to the "Proto-Indo-European" language from which many European languages are thought to descend. "The writing system appears to be partially icongraphic, like the Chinese script," said Dr. Scott Delancey, "and we've successfully decoded a few words based on the rebus principle and linked them to known PIE [Proto-Indo-European] roots."

Delancey added softly, "In a way, I almost wish we had failed," before shaking his head and wandering away.

The text appears very similar to the text found on the obelisks recently released by President Obama, and while linguists have as yet had no luck attempting to translate either text, symbols corresponding to "darkness," "travel," "scream," "wide," and "sleep" are strewn liberally throughout both texts, suggesting a thematic relationship.

Republican critics have seized on the similarity to accuse Obama of responsibility for the massive wave of Canadian refugees impacting the northern border, though conspiracy theorists have downplayed the relationship. "The probably of a relationship is quite low," said Associate Professor of Conspiracy Studies Dr. √Āngela Portillo, citing recent chemical analyses of chemtrails and troop movement patterns in southern Russia. "The more likely scenario is simply that the bone cavern summit obelisks were inscribed after the fact, and contain a press release on the cancellation of Canada - if there really is a bove cavern summit," she added darkly, refusing to elaborate, and abruptly departing in a windowless van with bulletproof siding.

At press time, four professors and seven graduate students had suddenly gathered in an empty classroom and begun shouting urgently at each other.

Sarah Bianchi is Approved News 6's international correspondent and 7-time recipient of the Hagstrom Stranglemort Award for Excellence in International Journalism. Born in 1983, Bianchi is a recent graduate from Columbia University. She gained worldwide renown in 2011 for her highly-acclaimed travelogue The Forbidden Passage, which tells the story of her sojourn to the Forbidden Lands and many lessons she learned there. Bianchi has covered several major international events, including the trial for bone heresy of deposed Albanian bonelord Donjeta the Despoiler, the 2011 schism between the True Illuminati and the Illuminati Veritatis, and the 2013 Canada mutant revolt, which brought international attention to the plight of the genetically abnormal and subhuman, leading to strict regulations of mutant hunting seasons across the globe. Bianchi lives in New York City with her wife and their seven dwarf knife owls.