[REDACTED], MO - Renowned, internationally-respected approved news source Approved News 6 was forced early this morning to stage an emergency evacutation of its dread fortess headquarters in [REDACTED], MO due to an outbreak of Contamination within the fortress’s very walls.
The evacuation was completed successfully with few staff casualties. Priority-Alpha news production artifacts were immediately transfered offsite by highly-trained Contamination response crews, several of whom heroically gave their lives to prevent the Contamination of the Great News Orb and the cabinet containing a seemingly infinite number of [REDACTED]. All Priority-Alpha artifacts have been individually screened and certified Uncontaminated, and are currently being held in an undisclosed location miles beneath the surface of the earth, and which Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has pledged her fearsome army of underbeasts to protect.
The Contamination outbreak is believed to have begun with the infection of News Engine #4, which rapidly spread to the entire subbasement, which soon became a scene of visceral and unearthly horror. The initial contamination vector has not yet been determined, but several employees have been held for questioning in the sensory deprivation chambers of Approved News 6’s temporary headquarters, where they will be [REDACTED] by expert [REDACTED]s until they at long last speak the truth.
The Newslords offered “sincere thanks” to the Democratic National Committee, which during last year’s annual pledge drive donated an ancient amulet of forsaken majesty. This amulet, the Newslords report, blazed forth with a splendid golden light, keeping the Contamination at bay until specialists could secure the Artifact Chamber. Newslord 7 additionally expressed her personal gratitude to the Lobster King for donating the seventy bleached skulls of unwary mariners, which distracted the [REDACTED] tendrils long enough for her to escape her office.
Thermal scouring helicopters were immediately dispatched by the Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, & Bone Rituals, which has ordered Procedure 7 implemented to purify the fortress. Experts report the fortress will need to be “extensively scoured” before it can be certified Uncontaminated and reinhabited.
Asked for comment, the Dread Secretary rose from his terrible throne and spread his arms wide, and a large contingent of red-eyed deer surrounded the reporter and drew slowly towards her until she grew fearful and slunk away into the shadows.
Inquisitor Salothrax IV is Approved News 6's Contamination correspondent. Specially modified at birth and bearing secret implants, Salothrax is uniquely qualified to cover all manner of heresy. Salothrax was born in Vermont in [REDACTED] and "lives" in the Approved News 6 Dread Fortress, surrounded by her entourage of seers, bone sorcerers, and mindslaves. you should have listened to us