Approved News 5 Breaches Containment
Inquisitor Salothrax IV, 1 Jul 2014

[REDACTED], MN - The Grand Inquisitor of the Department of Necromancy, Mutilation, and Bone Rituals has confirmed today the broadcast manifesting nationwide on the old frequencies of Approved News 5 is the Contaminated, forsaken news source Approved News 5 itself. All citizens are cautioned that Approved News 5 is no longer approved, and should avoid all material associated with Approved News 5.

Speaking from the local DNMB dreadfort in [REDACTED], MN, the Grand Inquisitor also noted that the old Approved News 5 website, which has lain dormant since the Ritual, has become active and is updating with new, Contaminated content. The Grand Inquisitor called on all responsible ISPs and secret brain implant networks to block the IP address where Approved News 5 is hosted, and urged all electronics and software companies to "abandon" the "irrevocably contaminated" IPv4 protocol, noting that the resurgent Approved News 5 site is located somewhere within the new "impossible fifth octet" of the IPv4 protocol that appeared this May.

"Switching to the IPv6 protocol will eliminate this threat — along with many others — at least for now," stated the Grand Inquisitor.

Citizens are reminded that Approved News 5 should not be spoken of to individuals of certain blood types.

DNMB officials remain "uncertain" how Approved News 5 breached the Blood Seals, but noted that attempts to reenact the 1999 bone ritual that established the first containment have been met with failure. The DNMB is currently pursuing a solution based on forbidden runes, but analysts warn the cost may be "unthinkable."

"Barring any further manifestation events, the most responsible course of action is to maintain ISP-level blocking of the forsaken IP address and educate citizens on the risks of unapproved news sources," said a source who requested to remain anonymous for fear of drawing the Grand Inquisitor's dread wrath. "A solution relying on forbidden runes is simply not going to be cost-effective unless the threat becomes far greater, or the words turn against us," adding that the millions of deaths required would be "only the beginning" and that the true cost of forbidden rune use is "hidden far beneath."

Citizen are reminded that viewing Contaminated material is a Level-7 Heresy.

A "silver lining" may however be found in the catastrophe, say Contamination analysts, noting that the recent series of proclamations, orders, and threats from Approved News 5 may give the DNMB the necessary warning time to effectively implement Procedure 7 on Contaminated areas before the Contamination can spread, historically a major issue as DNMB seers are unable to predict Contaminated activities. In one of the most dramatic incidents in American history, a town in southern Texas become Contaminated in 1978, and the Contamination spread undetected to 17 neighboring communities before the growths were large enough to be detected by secret satellites in 1983. It proved necessary to immediately destroy the entire region by nuclear bombardment, followed by several months of thermal scouring before the area could be certified Uncontaminated and resettled. The names of the affected communities were of course forever struck from all Earthly record as per the Pact of the Old Forest.

Congressional sources offered no comment, as Washington, D.C. is currently frozen in one of the many freak timestorms that are currently wreaking havoc on travel throughout America.

At press time, a DNMB special response team had been dispatched to Oklahoma for reason clouded from the all-seeing eyes of the News Oracles.

Inquisitor Salothrax IV is Approved News 6's Contamination correspondent. Specially modified at birth and bearing secret implants, Salothrax is uniquely qualified to cover all manner of heresy. Salothrax was born in Vermont in [REDACTED] and "lives" in the Approved News 6 Dread Fortress, surrounded by her entourage of seers, bone sorcerers, and mindslaves.