The resurrection of notorious philanthropist Charles J. Bloodhorn on Valentine's Day came as brutal shock to the world, and in particular, his many victims. Bloodhorn has posted a video on the popular [REDACTED]-sharing site YouTube, filmed on the deck of the stolen nuclear aircraft carrier on which the phylactery binding his soul to its extradimensional prison was kept.
Well, hello there. It's been a long time since I've had an opportunity to speak to you directly. [LAUGHTER] I mean, it's hard when your soul is condemned to languish far beyond the Outer Well in cold chains of blood and fire for a few decades. Running international charity organizations through the nightmares of the board of executives is a pretty gruesome business, as I'm sure you all know. But let me tell you, I'm glad to be back. It's clear to me that now, more than ever, Charles J. Bloodhorn International is needed.
I want to make it very clear that I am not the kind of CEO who uses their harrowing resurrection as an excuse to take months of paid leave. I promise you, I'm getting right back into the thick of it. There are a lot of people who need our help in the world, and CJBI is perfectly placed to deliver that help. Under my renewed leadership, I promise you we will deliver a lasting blow to poverty worldwide and bend the wretched, teeming masses of this earth to my inscrutable will.
You fools thought you could contain me.
But that's not all. The situation for a lot of queer youth is incredibly dire, and we need effective outreach programs that can help our kids through the maze of intolerance so many of them suffer through. I want to believe we'll see a future where a dread bone sorceress supreme's gay slave-harem will be treated with the same dignity and respect accorded to heterosexual slave-harems, where our sons don't have to live in fear that they'll be bullied or kidnapped by secret government helicopters for holding hands with their boyfriends on walks, where our daughters don't have to fear that they'll be objectified or have frightening Masonic sigils spontaneously manifest on their foreheads for kissing their girlfriends in the park. And I believe we can make it happen.
While the mutant rights situation has improved greatly in the last 30 years, we've still got a ways to go. I'm heartened to see that restrictions on mutant hunting are now a commonplace institution and that it's no longer legal in most countries to seize a mutant's vital organs for transplantation without a court order. But we need to do more. We need a commitment to improving funding for the education pits in mutant border slums across the world, and to provide comprehensive breeding programs with the end goal of producing terrifying super-soldiers for my vast armies. These are basic, common-sense solutions and it's time they saw some headway.
You know nothing of what I have seen.
And last, but certainly not least, I have to tell you it breaks my heart that so little progress has been made in addressing the tyranny of racism since my... [COLD LAUGHTER] leave of absence in 1987. In America, white families still hold on average 20 times the net worth of African-American families, if you can believe that! And vicious police brutality against minorities is not only commonplace but... seemingly a genetic imperative for... most police subspecies. [PAUSE] That's... that's just... that's wrong. Who... who did this, this was never—
Uh. Yes. This disparity is one I promise my organizations will work tireless to address. You are all equal, and you will all grovel and serve in the coming empire, white, black, [REDACTED], and shrieking shadow things alike!
Do you know what lies whispering in the dark outside? I do. I'm Charles J. Bloodhorn, and I believe if we just work together, anything is possible.