President Barack X. Obama, 25 Dec 2014

The following document is reprinted as-is from the official press release sent to our offices by the Obama administration.

My fellow Americans,

The sun has risen, and a storm has ended. The Christmas threat has finally subsided. After the events of the previous night, it’s important for us all to catch our breaths, and take a moment to realize we are alive. We have survived.

Now, with that said, a lot of brave men and women, proud Americans young and old, weren’t so lucky. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who lost a family member or a friend last night. We all witnessed the devastation visited upon our beloved nation, and it is all too easy for those of us emerging from the charred ruins of our homes to despair.

But as your President, I would like to reassure you all that there is no cause to give up hope.

Yes, we have been hurt. But we can heal. A majority of population centers remain intact. Two thirds of the nation’s aquifers have been certified fully Uncontaminated. The Joint Christmas Defense Force reacted promptly and skillfully to nip outbreaks of Contamination in the bud, and 74 separate infestations were neutralized last night before they could even penetrate to the groundwater. Most of Idaho was successfully evacuated before the impact. And successful awareness campaigns meant a majority of naughty Americans were able to undergo melarsoprol injections in time to escape the Little Helpers.

Never forget, America is the greatest country on Earth for a reason. We’ve seen worse, and we won’t give up that easily.

I would like to offer my sincerest gratitude to the many Americans who bravely laid down their lives for the country last night. In particular, the US Caroler Corps, whose incredible courage and sacrifice was, in the end, the deciding factor that saved our beloved nation from an unthinkable fate. The three Carolers who survived until dawn were able to pass on their Carols before their wounds claimed them, and I have already issued an executive order to rebuild the Corps as soon as possible.


On a final note="There are those among us who will seek to point fingers, to twist this tragedy to their own political ends. I ask you, my fellow countrymen, to rise above this. Nobody could have predicted the manifestation that occurred shortly after midnight EST, and the fate of Southern California, while heartwrenching and surpassingly gruesome, was due to factors completely out of anybody’s control.


Thank you, [REDACTED] bless you, and [REDACTED] bless the United States of America!