The scene in the Innermost Sanctum was hectic Monday evening, as the shadowy council that directs the inscrutable efforts of the international secret society the Epsilon Initiative prepared to announce the commencement of Project Omicron.
“It’s been nearly a century in the making,” explains Dr. Alessio J. Theophontes, ██.█, 223, Secretary Supreme of the Epsilon Initiative. Dr. Theophontes, a tall, thin man dressed in an unassuming wool sweatshirt and jeans, exudes a quiet confidence as he talks about the Project. “I think I can speak for us all here at the Epsilon Initiative when I say we’re very optimistic about what this means for the future of the Initiative.”
It’s hard to argue when assassination attempts against the senior leadership of Epsilon have nearly quadrupled in frequency over the last week. “Just today, I was ambushed on my morning jog by a blackops team from what I can only assume was a rogue KGB spinoff,” said Dr. Theophontes, his violet eyes creasing with understated amusement. “Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough left of them to interrogate.”
Sources in the Delta Society and the Brotherhood of the Hidden Spear admitted that they’re concerned about the implications of the project. “The light of the hunter’s moon illuminates the wandering waters,” explained Archon Iodex IV, clearly exasperated. “The crown of the third prophet is worn by a hidden jester.”
Other groups, however, are more optimistic. Arch-Matron Silvia Cualli of the Sisters of the Sevenfold Scepter called Project Omicron an “unprecendented opportunity for inter████ ███████ of ████.” Cualli publicly apologized for her fourteen separate attempts on the lives of Dr. Theophontes and top Epsilon Initiative scientists. “It’s time to put our ugly past behind us,” said Cualli, “for the benefit of the [REDACTED].”
Analysts expect Project Omicron to have “lasting consequences” in the fields of geology, sociology, military science, xenomathematics, ectogeography, bioarchitecture, thermolinguistics, theoretical history, retrotheology, geoliterature, applied theotopology, and [REDACTED]. “We’re talking about a revolutionary new paradigm here,” says Dr. Francis Chen, an MIT [REDACTED] researcher.
The Whispering Sisters of the Iron Passage, the Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, the Shrieking Sect of the Secluded Sands, the Unknowable Hidden Temple of the Burning Crown, the Maidens of the Endless Iron Spire, the Servants of the Sapphire Desecrator, the All-Seeing Church of the Crown, and the Celebrants of the Yellow Defiler could not be reached for comment.
Kim Constantinides is Approved News 6's secret society correspondent. Born in Greece during the Second Great Archfungus Epidemic, Constantinides and her family survived through quickwitted bone sorcery and seven dread pacts. Constantinides boasts connections to over 30 different sects, cults, and ancient conspiracies, and some have even alleged her to be a member of the mysterious Illuminati Inner Council. Constantinides lives in the Great Sacramento Hive with her wife and a terrifyingly violent kitten.