Florida Man Founds New Political Party
Rebecca Rosenwolf, 17 October 2015

MIAMI - Florida Man Jeremiah C. Smith announced this morning that he intends to found what he calls the "Angry America Party."

"I'm tired of business as usual," Smith told a crowd, to raucous applause. "I'm tired of these lickspittle politicians, these ivory-tower morons. I say it's time for a change! Time for a party that'll represent the true American spirit. To hell with the Democrats, and to hell with the Republicans! Let's make this country great again!"

Speaking to the press Smith explained that the existing parties fail to address his concerns and needs as a viscerally furious American.

"Real Americans, people like me," Smith explained, "we don't give a donkey's third tit about this 'policy' crap. You know what people like us need? We need a party that will stand up to the powers that be and say 'sit down and shut up before I cut your goddamn throat, you fucking pussies.'"

Smith cited the tiresome banality of the Democratic Party as what made him finally decided something had to be done. "Most Americans," said Smith, "we're angry. We're just fucking pissed. We don't really know what we're angry about, but by god, it's time we were heard!"

Smith initially looked into joining the Republican Party to assuage the smoldering rage that burns deep inside his soul, but was discouraged by his impressions of the GOP. "These Republicans, they think they've got it all figured out," said Smith, sneering and spitting. "Sure, they're angry. Sure, they'll shout and yell and throw tantrums all day long. But you ever listen to what they're saying?" Smith shook his head. "See, I believe blacks and gays and Muslims and, hell, even mutants have just as much right to incoherent, blustering fury as any American citizen. That right there is what unites us. But that's not what these Republicans are about, you know? We're about blind, senseless, omnidirectional rage, not dragging this country back into the '50s." Smith continued, "We don't want to get shit done, we just want to scream in each other's faces, and the Angry America Party is going to give us something to scream about."

According to Smith, his vision of the Angry America Party is a seething mass of tumultuous rage, whose rallies will feature leather-clad speakers sporting knives, mohawks, brass knuckles, and fierce facial tattoos, screaming incomprehensibly into a microphone. He also expressed hope that the party headquarters will have room for dozens of punching bags in the shape of leading politicians, where party members can come whenever they need to let off a little steam. But Smith also warned that it was critical to have voices from all over America's social spectrum.

"Equal representation is very important to me," said Smith, "and that's why I'm gonna make sure our leadership has everyone and everything. Lesser mutants, greater mutants, gays, broads, twinks, poors, teens, tweens, Indians, Mexicans, lesbians, blacks, Arabs, sentient artificial intelligences bent on slaughter and conquest; hell, even Methodists - no matter what color our skin is, or who we like to fuck, or if we even have skin at all, we can all come together and be united by just how fucking angry we all are. I'll be damned if we're gonna claim to represent the seething fury of all Americans if we're just a bunch of old white men, know what I mean?"

Smith then excused himself and began stabbing a life-sized bust of House Speaker John Boehner while muttering unintelligibly under his breath.

Rebecca Rosenwolf is Approved News 6’s election correspondent. A veteran of political reporting, Rosenwolf has held positions at many networks, often simultaneously, and frequently competing with herself for the 8:00pm EST timeslot. She is the author of several banned books, and lives in Los Angeles with her wife Jess and four ferociously loyal panthers.