Experts: It Is Definitely Blood
Josephine Sacher-Masoch, 8 Feb 2015

SALEM, OR - After extensive anaylsis, a number of leading scientists have confirmed that it is definitely blood. "There's no other explanation," says Dr. Maxine Lefleur, 46, anatomy professor at the University of Oregon, shivering. "It is definitely blood."

Other hypotheses were conclusively laid to rest Friday after chemical tests revealed that it is definitely blood. "Some of my colleagues thought it might be ketchup, or even just paint, given how much of it there was," explained Dr. Aaron Bukowski, 54, a material science researcher at Oregon State University. "But what happened on Friday... there's no other possible explanation. God, there can't be."

"It has to be blood," he continued, the look in his eyes almost pleading. "Oh god, don't let it be the other thing."

Doubts were initially raised given the sheer quantity of the blood, and the oddly serene reactions of the blood-drenched witnesses led some to believe it was a secret government mind-control agent. Dr. √Āngela Portillo, associate professor of conspiracy studies and Approved News 6 conspiracy correspondent, immediately downplayed these claims, citing seven disappeareances of seemingly ordinary residents of Houston, TX, and the shapes in the clouds over Vancouver, WA. "Honestly it's a bit silly to think they'd be testing mind-control agents on the west coast right now," pointed out Dr. Portillo. "It won't be the right season for another three months."

Dr. Portillo then stubbed out her cigarette and escaped from the warehouse rooftop by climbing into a helicopter just as the SWAT team burst onto the scene.

Dr. Lefleur admits there are still unanswered questions. "We're still no closer to understanding how it got there," she says. "The ballistics make no sense, and the average human body only has about five liters of blood in it."

"For that amount of blood..." she began, and trailed off, shaking her head. "No. It has to be blood. It has to be."

"Why won't it stop singing?" she added, seemingly to herself, eyes widening as she backed slowly away.

Josephine Sacher-Masoch is Approved News 6's pain correspondent. A devout pain cultist since her freshman year at Yale and a lifetime member of the Order of Mortification, Sacher-Masoch holds degrees in journalism, English, and quantum theopsychology. She lives in Walla Walla, WA with her immortal red-eyed cat Muffin in the harem of local bone sorceress Xylinda Overblight.