March Wine Review, 2015
Madeleine St. Marguerite-Saloperie de la Marche et Connard, 3 April 2015

Chateau Gravais Merlot, 2004

The Chateau Gravais 2004 merlot is a bold and uncompromising wine, accented with hints of nutmeg and lavender, and calling to mind memories of her smile, how the sun caught her hair. How she would have cried if she had seen what they did to you. How you cried. How you still cry.

Verdict:An excellent accompaniment to any formal dinner, this merlot is especially well-suited to serving alongside steak, turkey, or ash.

Sang de Fleur Pink Moscato 2009

A favorite of our editors, the Sang de Fleur 2009 Pink Moscato is flavorful without being indulgent. Accented with strawberry and hints of the flame of ancient fires, this moscato has a light but bitter finish of sawdust and the hopes you once felt before the great chain of being was wrapped so tightly around your neck until you couldn’t breathe, and you knew in that moment you were damned, we all are damned, and you looked down into the pit and you laughed and laughed.

Verdict: Equally suitable as a desert wine or for quiet contemplation over the mangled body of a blood sacrifice, this moscato has much to recommend it.

Ville Enculante Chardonnay, 2007

A relative newcomer, the 2007 chardonnay is a welcome addition to the Ville Enculante menagerie. Bright and fruitful, this chardonnay is guaranteed to thrill and bleed you until there is nothing left but the sad, wasting shell of what used to be a person. Accented with hints of grapefruit and lust, it will burn a flaming sigil in the center of your soul and you will never again know comfort.

Verdict: Not the most impressive of this year’s pick, but the perfect budget wine to serve at a corporate function. Best served alongside gaping crevices belching forth the steam of great subterranean engines.

Zweifelmund Cabernet Sauvignon

Compliant, but reliable, this cabernet accentuates its flavor with essences of horseradish and dust. Zingy, with a rich Kantian finish. A Zweifelmund specialty, it showcases a dolorous aroma of pitch and bile, without compromising its essential thrust of meat and thick, peaty oil.

Verdict: Excellent for low-key parties and scouring clotted blood from bathroom grates.

Madeleine St. Marguerite-Saloperie de la Marche et Connard is Approved News 6’s wine correspondent. Conceived in lustful vigour among the rolling plains of Bordeaux and born deep within the ritual chambers of the region’s most ancient vineyard, Madeleine was raised from birth in the ways of the vine. A renowned wine-taster and able to slay the uncultured with a mere thought, Madeleine joined Approved News 6 in 2007 in accordance with an ancient prophecy. She lives in a studio apartment over a café in Newport, Oregon with her cat Napoléon and an endlessly-rotating cast of high-society girlfriends.