AN6 DREAD FORTRESS, [REDACTED], MINNESOTA - The Approved News 6 editorial board announced today a “whirlwind tour” to attempt to raise funds for the embattled news network.
“Access to quality, Approved news is more important than ever in the modern world,” said Newslord 7, who has been charged with the sacred duty of leading the fundraising tour. “In this globalized era of bone heresy, stone hoarding, and Contamination, concerned citizens need accessible, up-to-date resources to provide them with what little information they have been permitted to know.”
Newslord 7, whose face and true identity remain cloaked in shadow, has run the AN6 sales division for an unknown, and possibly unknowable, period of time. Her success in keeping the operation afloat during the trying thirty-year-reign of Dark Lord Nixon was cited by Newslord 1 as evidence she was “the most qualified candidate for the job.”
“There’s no question in my mind, if it hadn’t been for Seven’s brilliant management during the Era of Bones, the network would have collapsed completely,” said Newslord 1, a diminutive, androgynous figure who only laughed when they were asked which pronouns they would prefer to be described by. “I won’t lie, I didn’t think there was any chance we’d make it through. But Seven somehow kept us supplied with enough guns and ammunition to keep Nixon’s forces at bay for a whole thirty years, until the Bloodgate scandal finally did him in.” After a brief pause, they added, “I promised her I would never ask how.”
According to Newslord 7, the forthcoming campaign will “stick to the basics.” “There are tried and true ways of revitalizing a flagging news conglomerate,” said Newslord 7, “and we’re going to play it safe.” The tour will consist of one-of-a-kind “behind the scenes” opportunities for youngsters to observe the production of news firsthand, pay-per-view live heretic burnings, a campaign of mild public terror, mass extortion, and a “relaxation” of the network’s “unusually strict” bribery regulations.
“I think there are a number of very wealthy CEOs who will find it in their heart to contribute to a thriving public news community,” said Newslord 7, “especially given the influence our network holds.”
While Approved News 6 has fared better than some networks in its transition to an online distribution model, it’s still been a rough road. “Despite millions in annual contributions from innumerable shadowy, sinister conspiracies, we still rely heavily on viewer funding,” explained Newslord 7. “Operating an international news cartel is expensive, especially given phenomenal amount of funding required to maintain Inquisitor Salothrax’s life-support system.” (Inquisitor Salothrax is Approved News 6’s Contamination correspondent.)
The network’s reporters have been those hit the hardest by budget cutbacks. “I can no longer afford to feed myself,” pointed out a shambling, painfully thin contributor. “My children have been reduced to scavenging in dumpsters for uncontaminated meat. My husband had to eat his own boots. Please somebody help us.”
“I’m so hungry,” he added. “So hungry.”
It hasn’t been easy on the administration, either. “I had to sell four of my personal helicopters just to make payroll last month,” said a plainly bereaved Newslord 1. “I know for a fact Newslord 2 - or maybe Newslord 3, it’s hard to tell them apart after THE INCIDENT - had to move to a smaller penthouse and doesn’t even have a swimming pool anymore. Not to mention Newslord 4,” they added, “who just hasn’t been the same after he had to give up personally funding a violent ring-wing resistance movement in what remains of Australia.”
Asked whether the network was considering moving to a paid distribution model, the newslords claimed it was not under consideration. “We’re not suicidal,” explained Newslord 7.
The editorial board refused to comment on rumors the network had signed a sponsorship deal with a major coven of tricky witches.
EDITORIAL NOTE: Loyal citizens who wish to offer their support to Approved News 6 on a monthly basis may do so online through our convenient monthly pledge drive.
Mariela Diego Hernández is Approved News 6’s internal affairs correspondent. A veteran of internal investigation, Hernández has worked with dozens of major corporate conglomerates to root out traitors within their midst, and in 2013 was ranked #14 in Forbes’ yearly “Most Feared” list. She lives with her wife and husband in [REDACTED], Minnesota.