SALEM, OR - The gubernatorial campaign of disgraced ex-Secretary of Eternity Ian Sandoval got an unexpected boost this morning when Xylinda Overblight, Bone Sorceress Supreme and Unquestioned Tyrant of Oregon City, publicly announced her endorsement of the embattled candidate.
“The hour of change is nigh,” Overblight intoned before an audience held enraptured by her ancient and forbidden arts. “I command all to cast their ballots for Ian Sandoval come electiontide, lest you face the consequences of failure.”
All present then ritually knelt as Overblight ascended into the air and vanished in a glorious conflagration of fire and light.
Overblight’s endorsement is the first significant endorsement the Sandoval campaign has gained, and is expected to upset the electoral calculus which wrote off Sandoval as a protest candidate at best.
Appointed as Secretary of Eternity by President Obama in 2009, Ian Sandoval served in that role until his conviction for bone heresy in 2014 after killing hundreds in a brutal ritual to repair a hole in time. Initially condemned to a secret fate, Sandoval’s sentence was commuted to slow frying by the President. During his execution, however, Sandoval was unexpectedly rescued by a militant group later revealed to be the Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, and has resided in their domain of East Oregon since.
After Gov. Kitzhaber’s unexpected descent into madness and ouster by Oregon Secretary of State Kate Brown, Sandoval made his first public appearance since his rescue to announce his candidacy. “The old ways have become insufficient,” Sandoval warned at his press conference, “and Oregon needs a governor who’s willing to be radical in the pursuit of [REDACTED].”
Sandoval has openly run as a servant to the Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, and recently announced his intent to “reunify” Oregon under the Blood-Soaked Maidens’ “Sanguine Banner.” “Dire times call for unity,” said Sandoval, “and I believe the Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword are the only hope for salvation our great state has.”@
Sandoval’s candidacy is unusual, in that it is the first time a condemned bone heretic and traitor running on a platform of utter subservience to a foreign power has seemed a serious candidate for governor. Some expressed surprise that the Blood-Soaked Maidens would nominate “a mere man” as a gubernatorial candidate, but Sandoval explained that “petty politics” were “beneath” the leadership of the Glorious Protectorate of East Oregon. “Make no mistake="I am but a humble servant of our sanguine goddess, to be her hand for as long as she might need me,” Sandoval clarified Monday, promising all “significant decisions” would be made by the High Sisters."
Until the Xylinda Overblight endorsement, however, the campaign had precious little credibility. Sandoval was reportedly “ecstatic” at the “unexpected show of support,” “I would like to offer my sincere thanks to Ms. Overblight for her confidence in our campaign,” Sandoval said at an impromptu press conference this afternoon. “Ms. Overblight, we will not disappoint you.”
According to analysts, Overblight’s support will bring with it many inscrutable dread magicks and the support of Oregon City voters. “As goes Xylinda, so goes Oregon City,” says University of Oregon political science professor Dr. Geraldine Herrera. “Since she took up residence there, 100% of Oregon City voters have consistently voted for candidates she endorsed, as for them to disobey her is literally impossible.”
However, Overblight’s endorsement carries unavoidable baggage. Independent candidate, Lord Jethromort Doomflower, Elder Scion of the Ashen Order, lost no time in assailing Sandoval with skulls and bricks, flung from his campaign helicopter, as personnel fled in panicked disarray. Pressed for comment by reporters, Lord Doomflower cursed in several unknown languages before fleeing the scene. And many Portland voters are more likely to see an Overblight endorsement as a negative rather than a positive, as her fanatical soldiers frequently raid Portland neighborhoods, dragging away screaming locals for unknown purposes.
Overblight herself refused to elaborate on her endorsement. “Do not presume the wisdom to comprehend my actions, mortal,” she declared from her black iron throne, her words punctuated by screams from the thrashing bodies of her enemies who hung from hooks and chains far above. “Simply know that Ian Sandoval must become the Governor of this state; question not my will,” she added, before her attention returned the mewling concubine in chains at her feet.
Rebecca Rosenwolf is Approved News 6’s election correspondent. A veteran of political reporting, Rosenwolf has held positions at many networks, often simultaneously, and frequently competing with herself for the 8:00pm EST timeslot. She is the author of several banned books, and lives in Los Angeles with her wife Jess and four ferociously loyal panthers.